It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
