community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
