mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
