How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
