Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
