When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
