Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Shame is for Republicans.
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