But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
