Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
