There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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