Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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