ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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