it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
