i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you are never too drunk for berry picking
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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