im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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