the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
