my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
