Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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