If i come over, it means nothing
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
