When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
