It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
