my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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