I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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