on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
