that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
