I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You were trust falling into bushes
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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