There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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