I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
