just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
