if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
