I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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