What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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