i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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