My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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