Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
