end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
