You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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