when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
