you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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