I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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