I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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