the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
