If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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