i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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