so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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