Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
