New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
