do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
