If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
