Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
