Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
