she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alive.
So much puke
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
